“It can also be argued that DNA is nothing more than a program designed to preserve itself. Life has become more complex in the overwhelming sea of information. And life, when organised into species, relies upon genes to be its memory system. So, man is an individual only because of his intangible memory… and memory cannot be defined, but it defines mankind. The advent of computers, and the subsequent accumulation of incalculable data has given rise to a new system of memory and thought parallel to your own. Humanity has underestimated the consequences of computerisation.”—The Puppet Master, Ghost In The Shell
Dearest Stephen, Do not, I repeat DO NOT allow anyone to make you feel like you are weak or not worth it. You are one of the strongest people I have ever met. Just think of all the things you have gone through. I love you Stephen and I can bet there is a lot of people who can say the same thing. You are an amazing individual who deserves so much better.
So last night my ex brought what I’m assuming is a one night stand home. Gave me prior warning of it, which is one thing I did ask. I spent the entire day worrying what this guy that was being brought back to my house was going to be like, this hopefully low life that would be sleeping in the same bed that I had spent some of my happiest months in. Every time I stopped busying myself with cleaning and rearranging things in work, I got these horrible nervous palpitations. Can’t say I remember much of the wait for him to come home, its more or less a blacked out blur of apprehension.
I do know that when I heard them come through the door at something to midnight that I felt sick. It wasn’t a possibility anymore - Dan had truly lost any feeling for me. I locked myself in my room, dug my head under my pillow and tried to block out the sounds of them laughing and joking beneath my room.
When I heard the bed start to creak I honestly nearly vomited. My skin was crawling and I couldn’t hold back the tears anymore that had started to swell beneath my eyes since I had received his text message at ten to one that afternoon. Trying my best not to listen I turned on my xbox and started to kill some zombies. Didn’t help, aiming was shit, tried helplessly till somewhere around four this morning when I sulked off down stairs and sat alone in the dark living room. It was strangely comforting, I knew no one would hear my sobs in the darkness, I doubt very much that anyone would have cared to be honest.
I didn’t manage to catch a wink of sleep and it’s now starting to take its toll. Dan came downstairs around 8ish, and gave a pitiful ”hi” that made heart flutter and my skin crawl as he walked past the room.
Eventually released I needed to get my arse into gear as I was due in work in less than an hour and made for the bathroom, but the one night stand was in the shower. Annoyed and frustrated I shut myself back in my room, until I heard water stop running and the bathroom door open. After what felt like an hour I headed for the bathroom - noticed the one night stand on the way. My head was a whirl with conflicting feelings. I know I still love Danny, but I feel sick with what he’s done. I’m not stuck up, not in any sense… I just have standards. This point added to my conflicting emotions as I feel so disappointed with Dan… not even sure if I have any right to feel that… but I do. I don’t know if I should be still feeling such strong feeling for him - but I do. Not even sure if I should be feeling some hatred towards him for putting me through that last night … but I do!
I know I need to move out from this house, and to cut him from my life but I’m scared to. I don’t think I’m strong enough. I love him and even now can’t let go of some hope that he’ll take back the things he said, and more to the point take me back. I hate him for that.
I like them, I think that they’re great and I really couldn’t ask for a better bunch of bro’s and ho’s. I’d say my odd sense of humour and my lack of time management skills helps to whittle down my list of friends so I know who are my ‘True Friends' and just 'mates’. Sounds horrible I know, but my true friends know what I’m like for letting time run away with me, and although I’m sure it annoys them to some degree they always manage to let it slide. Love you guys, you’re all boss!
I know I’ve not been the easiest son to raise and for that I’m truly sorry. Remember when I used to run off on you guys in shopping centers? Well I would laugh when I saw the look of panic on your faces - I never imagined, at the time, the stress and worry I must have put you pair under. I wish I could say that was the end of anxiety I inflicted on you - but with my epilepsy as a child I guess I didn’t make your lives easy.
During Highschool, College and even to some extent University, I took all my anger and frustrations out on you two. If I’d had a bad day, you and Sarah found out about it. Wish I knew why I did. I think deep down it’s because I know, no matter how much I screw up you two will always be there to help me through it.
I’ve been one shitter of a son haven’t I?
Even now I know I don’t contact either of you as much as I probably should do, and definitely not as much as I’d like to. Mum, Dad - I know I don’t say this to you as much as I should, but I love you both and I’ve forever in your debt. You’ve both taught me about life and love, about sticking up for myself and what I believe in. I think you’ve also got far more confidence in me than I deserve and definitely more than I have in myself. You’re both an a massive inspiration to me :)
Day 22 - What makes you different from everyone else
I have an odd sense of humour and prefer in-jokes and geekery references, adore the Harry Potter series, enjoy going out on long walks and long nights out, though I’d sooner stay in with some good company and a good movie. The way I look isn’t necessarily important to me, however I don’t like to look like I’ve just fallen through a bush - which has happened. When I was a child I had Epilepsy and since it’s calmed down and I’ve not had a fit since I was 11. I’m dyslexic and although I like to joke about it, I don’t like to use it as an excuse. I like to walk the road less traveled and make my own adventures. Legend of Zelda is my all time favourite video game series, like wise Battlestar Galactica is my favourite TV series. I love watching Jeremy Kyle in the morning and laugh at situations such as “Am I the father of my dad’s girlfriends child?”. I like to eat sweet foods and love cooking. I hope someday to find “the one" but fear I never will. I try to give more than I take.
I guess what the above is trying to say, is; I’m not that unique on the face of it, but if you take the time to get to know me you will notice things about me that I never even knew. That’s when my uniqueness shines through.
I’ve got a few nicknames that are in circulation at the moment. Some good, and some not so good. They are:
Flick / Swish
Some people know me by Flick or Swish. Any guesses why? Well simply put it’s because of my love for all things Harry Potter. If you needed it spelling out further than that, think of a Flick or Swish of a wand ;)
This is usually the alias I go by now. Origins of this name is from an anime called Trigun. The main character, Vash is widely know as Vash The Stampede. According to friends of mine who have watched the series I’m very much like Vash, so Ste The Stampede came into existence.
Not too sure why this name was applied to me, but during a particular night out a friend of mine suddenly decided “Sparky” was to be my name henceforth. Needless to stay it stuck.
Because, simply, I am an animal.
I do have other nicknames that I’ve been called, but they are my most common names. :)
I’m trying to cut down on the plans & goals front as something always goes wrong for me. However I am a dreamer, through and through. I think the thing I’m dreaming of the most at the moment is just being happy again. Like truly happy, just to be me. I’ve not felt like that in a few months and honestly, I miss the feeling.
Also sorry this is majorly late. Internet has had a bit of a fit this evening.
Day 17 - Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why
I think out of every single person in the world the one I would most like to switch lives with for a day would be Queen Elizabeth II, if not for any other reason than I’d love to see what she actually does in a average day. Personally I think she drinks a lot of gin. The Queen strikes me a gin drinker. I like gin also… we’d be such good friends.